Identity - Who are you?

Over the period, I have tried to understand ‘identity’ and how one’s identity is formed or viewed by others especially through the context of changing relationships, achievements and failures.  Some relationships stay strong, truthful, and most desired that continue to give a sense of belonging.  Whilst there are some that breakdown causing a feeling of loss and being hurt.  Whilst some are able to achieve their aims and expectations whilst there are moments in life that they change the direction leaving the those aims and expectations in the past.  But with this, it is not the impact of breakdown from one relationship but several others that are linked to that one.  How do people view relationship breakdowns and who judges the person and people around them as right or wrong?  How does this form and impact your identity? 

Identity is formed in many forms including through one’s qualities, beliefs, personality, looks and/or expressions.  This identity is categorised as positive or as destructive.  As for relationships changes, the vision that people may view and understand are through the one category that is formed through the relationship rather than viewing and understanding from their own perspective.  You may have had fun, laughter and love through the one relationship and the many other relationships attached to this one.  But, as the one relationship comes to shed away, so does the persons’ identity changes.  I believe it is through the one perspective or paradigm of a person who then transforms many other perspectives through the one vision.   Is it through people’s expectations and desires of who one should be to them that creates this identity?  Or is it the social framework that creates identity?  So many questions, but not sure of the answer.   

As Erikson stated in social jungle of human existence, there is no feeling of being alive without a sense of identity.  This is when I read, listened, reflected and understood.  As relationships change or wither away, you do feel hurt, especially from those who you call your own but who is your own, and why do you expect anything from them?  How do they define you being wrong or right? And who are you to hurt me?  Mahatma Gandhi said ‘no one can hurt me without my permission’.   ‘It is not what happens to us that hurts but it is the responses to what happens to us that hurts (Covey, 1989).  This is when I had a moment of thought.  I needed to understand my attitudes and behaviours that lay within my own paradigm to be able to create change for my personal growth.  Additionally, Covey (1989) states that ‘to try to change outward attitudes and behaviours does very little good in the long run if we fail to examine the basic paradigms from which those attitudes and behaviours flow’.

This was the tube light effect!  It finally came on…well better late than never as they say.

Yes, I am a sister, mother, daughter, in-law, aunty, wife, colleague, friend and many more other relationships that have formed my identity but most importantly I am me!  People describe me through these different identities or what I am to them but that is not entirely of who I am as a person or my identity.  It is one view……one vision.  Many see you as the one identity as it proves hard for many to conceptualise the different other forms of identity that you hold.  

I started to examine on how these responses affected me and it was all based on my identity to how it was explained or defined by others or what they thought of me.  This is when I had a paradigm shift.  My identity and who I am is defined by who I am within and not by people’s opinions or by comparison to others.  As I started to care less of what people think of me including the relationships, they have with me but focused on my self-belief and self-worth that lay within me and not through the vision of others.  A stronger sense of mental mind, a stronger sense of belonging and a stronger form of relationship, with myself……. However, it is important to note that identity is a fluid concept that is not fixed.  Additionally, identity cannot be found or fabricated but emerges from within when one has the courage to let go (Cooper, 2013).  Therefore, when something good or bad happens, you have three options, let it define you, let it destroy you or let it strengthen you. 

With this in mind, I leave you to find your own identity and capitalise on it.  Manage your thoughts and be a leader of your own identity.  You are more than you think!

Task:

Watch the below clip and reflect on this?

Is your identity given or created?

If so by who and how?  What makes you, YOU?